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Push / Pull — 7 Comments

  1. Hi there, I'm Diane's friend Sally, married 15 years almost, and I just call it the ebb and flow of love… I am sure you aren't afflicted but absolutely human .. when you are an individual in a relationship its like two full balloons pushing together in a box, sometimes you need to lift off the lid and escape for a bit of space, other times that coziness feels, well, welcome… the ocean waves and tides should remind you of this cycle… take your cues from nature, after all you're a natural cat. Peace.Love. Sally xo

  2. Oh, now I have to re-create my comment after signing in — Ok, so Ted, I am also Diane's friend, Eileen.
    Am on week 6 of a 10-week break from a fellow who is 'run' by these terrors, and has the greatest ideological 'reasons' for eliding 'definitions' but ultimately feels like an eel to be with… Have been SO gratified by the experience that once I declared my utter clarity on the subject that no, I don't need unfun roller-coaster rides, and yes, ambivalence is inevitable, moments of hatred even an aspect of love, that i am not interested on 'workaholically' perfecting 'relationship' but AM absolutely committed to consistency of presence, or more precisely dedication to return to presence, including ability to cop to when i have been or am unable to be present – there be these MEN who “get it” and are on the same path. We develop these vestigial defense-systems for damn good reasons. AND it is safe to let light, space, choicefulness in. I am willing to believe that I can both 'be myself,' whoever that changing person is, and be always relating, whether to me, nature/'the universe,' , friends, a lover…And solitude is part of intimacy. And i suddenly feel shy-preachy(judgment) Main point: THX for being a brave guy, all best wishes esh

  3. Thanks Sally, no offense taken at all. I appreciate your comments. I agree with you and love the metaphor of the balloons pushing against each other in a box. Hopefully like a crab and it's shell, we can keep shedding the box in favor of a larger one which contains our expansion.

    Eileen, I love that you corrected yourself from wanting a “commitment to consistency of presence” in relationship to a “dedication to return to presence.” I couldn't agree more. We are human and all have our issues, idiosyncrasies, peculiarities, hang ups, even pathologies, yet can we be committed to being as conscious as we are capable of and always returning to that place, hopefully within our supportive “balloon box.”

    I'm so relived to be talking about this stuff. So much easier than to just be wallowing in shame, or worse yet, in unconscious behaviors.

  4. great post Ted. I was five minutes ago missing you & was going to e-mail you “what's up” & then I read your blog & had one of the most satisfactory exploration of the contents of your mind. I think I already knew all this about you anyway. I think you resemble every man I have ever loved and also I suspect the man I have been. Oh yeah, you don't believe in past-lives! Yet!
    I am sure your meditation on all this will benefit us all immensely.
    Perhaps the ebb and flow between men & women is the future and the end of co-dependence. Who knows.
    Heh but I'm still missing you this exact minute, love willow

  5. I've read this piece several times now, and it is very important that you recognize the tug, and are moving to find alternate ways to resolve it…

    That said, the causal factors are missing, as are the reasons why you are unable to reconnect after you have taken your space.

    Perhaps you have explored them and they are too personal… the push/pull was a perpetual part of my life (to some degree), for roughly 38 years of my life. My mother, with her many issues, was the master of it. I can remember getting sucked in; trusting; and then WHAM… inexplicable hurt.

    I began dealing with the fallout from that after I moved away from Southern California where she lived… it took many years to heal the hurt, and it was only when she was dying that I spent 6 months with her realizing I had never really healed the hurt, but rather scabbed over it. Talk about facing your demons! :p

    My time with her, coupled with my own 19 years of distance, allowed me to be more subjective. For her part, she had been abandoned as a child; never wanted to have children of her own; and seemingly felt a huge amount of conflict between her selfish aspects and her maternal instincts.

    My being able to reconcile for myself that there was nothing I could have ever done to have “made her love me” as a child or adult, was key to being able to accept her for who she was… and it really added an important layer to the way I see people as well: less simplistic and with a much higher degree of love and acceptance.

    What do you see as the meaning of the quote: kill them with kindness?

    For me, it's a message to look for the underlying reasons why someone is mean; selfish; defensive; etc… not to change them or to make them feel like they HAVE TO be nice to you, but to experience a deeper understanding of their spirit, so you can accept them despite the fact that they are, in a sense, broken. When you can do this, they drop the rope they have been tugging on.

    When you went on your train ride and made those conscious efforts to connect with people, did you find that your need for autonomy that day not only lessened, but that you had a stronger desire for the deeper connection of someone special?

  6. Pingback: Shaving My Beard and the Struggle for Autonomy |

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