speaking the truth

What Am I Afraid Of?

If you read my last post, you’ll know that it was a very personal post, a post about what I see as a somewhat substantial shortcoming of mine in relationship. My friend Diane, with my permission, posted a link to it on her Facebook page and there it garnered lots of commentary and became one of my most viewed posts since I’ve begun this blog. I felt comfortable with her posting it to her friends, but what about my posting it to my Facebook friends, which I often do with various blog posts of mine? Whoa…… not so fast!

So why the hesitance? That’s what I want to write about here. I want to understand how a person who titles his blog Explorations of Truth can feel that truth is somehow something to be doled out subjectively. Something to be ashamed of. It’s a good question. I guess there are perhaps a couple of lurking reasons, or maybe more so I’ll start it in list form and see where it goes:

  • I like people to see me as having my sh*t” together so informing them otherwise feels somehow risky to me.
  • I don’t want to be rejected by others.
  • Several people I know tend to only see the parts in my writing that they already think they understand about me and disregard much of the rest, tending to further shoehorn me into a shoe that doesn’t really fit.
  • Why would I want various high school acquaintances of mine, many of whom I hardly really know, to see this stuff. Feels like they will turn it into behind-the-back conversation at the next high-school reunion about why Ted is still single.
  • I feel ashamed in a way and definitely prefer to keep this stuff under the covers. It’s much “safer” that way.
  • I like keeping a foot out the door in relationship and the more I expose and explore this stuff, the more that door feels like it closes. Yikes.
  • I don’t want to scare away or give fuel to potential future partners, should my life turn that direction, who will undoubtedly surf back through much of this blog.
  • I don’t like being judged, or feeling like I’m being judged.
  • This relates to the third one above, but I hate being reduced or simplified. I like being seen as a much more complex equation. People tend to love simplifying other people, “he’s a loner,” “she’s too sensitive,” “they prefer to keep to themselves,” etc. and posts like this give people ammunition for such reductions.

On the other hand:

  • Response to the post thus far has been very positive
  • I’ve had many follow up conversations, chats, messages, and comments which have furthered the exploration within myself and for others too, which has been immensely helpful.
  • Aren’t shame, desires for privacy, hating being simplified, fears of judgment and rejection simply other things worthy of exploration. Why would I want to hold on to those feelings and not open them up too?
  • What’s the worst thing that can happen? Nothing really. No one I truly love and who truly loves me will even remotely consider rejecting me for this. Simplify perhaps, but reject, no. And I’m not planning on running for public office and if I did, I’d rather be an open book.
  • What the heck – it’s another chance to just see what comes up for me when I click “publish post.” Will my heart race? Will I feel relieved? Will I compulsively await confirming responses and commentary?
  • I may end up with more active readers, which I always enjoy.
  • In my experience, the truth leads to good things, so why try to control it and why not just trust?
  • Perhaps this will deepen some of my relationships and change the quality of the conversations we have.
  • Maybe it would actually be helpful to others.

We’ll see, but for now I’ll post this and see what comes up as a result.

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