I almost started this post out by apologizing for not writing for awhile but in fact I’m not sorry about it. I’ve really been unable to write, although not for a lack of trying. I do wish I had been able to write because I enjoy keeping a thread of connection open with my readers as somehow it seems to keep us energetically engaged in each others lives and there is a sincerity in that connection. I’ve been back in the states for about 2 ½ weeks now, joining in with my Diamond Heart group for a 9 day residential retreat at the start and then returning to my home here at the coast about 5 days ago. Since returning home I’ve been very dysfunctional, not necessarily by outer appearances, but certainly in my capacity to resume life in a normal and ordinary way. The retreat that I was on was a very powerful experience and it seems to be continuing to affect me at a very deep level. It feels as if my exterior is the same, but my inner being is in the process of reconstituting into something completely different. The experience is akin to being a chrysalis, that interim state between the caterpillar and it’s eventual manifestation as a butterfly. It’s not as if the caterpillar hunkers down in a cocoon, drops a leg or two, sprouts a couple of wings and flies away. In reality the caterpillar deconstitutes itself and then reconstitutes into another manifestation. I feel like I am in that interim state, largely deconstituted yet not yet fully formed into something next. I have an inkling where this is going but I am learning to simply allow what is here to be and let the universe take care of the unfoldment itself.
This path of truth has been a profound journey for me and is becoming significantly more so. I believe the primary impetus for this deconstitutionalization I am experiencing has been my love of the truth. The love I have for the truth is powerful and seems to be allowing me to be open to a complete reformation if that is what is called for. The main practice of my spiritual path is really one of opening to the truth, or what I might otherwise refer to as the reality of this moment. This moment is inherently true. The reason for this is that in the moment, the mind doesn’t have the opportunity to apply it’s history of experience or it’s projection of outcome. It is simply here. When people ask you how you are doing today and you say “I’ve been doing pretty well today,” or give any response that doesn’t include a sensing in to the reality of the moment, it’s not really true. Can you actually sense in to your experience right now? How are you? If you find an answer and then ask yourself this same question 10 seconds later, you will find that your experience has changed, sometimes slightly,sometimes radically. How we are, who we are, is constantly moving, constantly changing. Constantly. The truth, as I’m seeing it, is found in the slightest cross sections of time which occur at the moment in which they are observed.
As I’ve been more and more aware of this in the past week, I’ve been falling away, piece by piece. I’ve been deeply disoriented at times as my familiar sense of self has been sloughing off and hasn’t fully been replaced yet. It seems to be gradually being replaced with something more Essential, more real, more in this moment, but the continuity of that replacement seems very elusive. Actually though, my experience has been one of feeling and experiencing the incredible richness of the human capacity and experience as it moves through time, from moment to moment. Richness doesn’t necessarily imply ease though, as the human experience is chock full of mental activity, reactivity, and challenging emotions. My belief which has formed through my personal experience is that the more that reality, however uncomfortable that may be in its arising, is allowed to manifest through us without our trying to steer it one way or another, the more it naturally moves towards the soul’s emancipation. Many people who lead spiritual lives have a pre-ordained perception of what that spirituality should feel like, often gravitating towards paths and practices which cultivate equanimity, loving kindness, spaciousness, compassion, goodness, an empty mind, generosity, etc. To many, when feelings arise which don’t fit neatly into those more comfortable categories, they reject them and attempt to steer their minds in a more “spiritual” direction, through prayer, controlling their meditation to filter out negative thoughts/experiences, or simply distracting themselves away from them. While there are many benefits from various forms of prayer and meditation which make them very worthy of practice, any path which attempts to steer our experience in certain directions is not always allowing the natural emancipating unfoldment to occur. This perspective is all still formulating in me so stay tuned if curious to see how this all unfolds.
This past 2 weeks has been perhaps the most profound period of my life, yet I’m not sure exactly why yet. So much is happening below the surface, below my normal intelligent layer of awareness, but I still know it’s there, and moving. I’ve been sleeping deeply at night and then often sleeping for an hour or two more during the day. I become exhausted easily, but I believe that is simply an indication of how much movement is happening. It’s tiring being a Pupa (Chrysalis). Maybe that’s where the expression being “pooped” comes from! Right before I left for this last round of travels, I was feeling a desire to “Incubate”, to make creative manifestation through all that I had become and gathered through my travels and writings. The feeling now is a little different. Rather than Incubate, I want to Hibernate. The draw to hibernation comes from just wanting to rest and allow all the movement that is happening within me to continue to move and do it’s thing in transformation of this deconstituting caterpillar. Right now I don’t feel like much of a butterfly. I feel more like the butter and less like the fly part, even though today I experienced some incredibly pure bliss while walking with a friend along the beach, a purity which comes from this somewhat extensive internal metabolization which has washed away so much and leaves me occasionally feeling purified and clear.