I’d like to further exploring here my relationship to relationship and where and how Love fits in. As I had written about previously, I’ve been noticing more clearly how if I am connected to a woman in a romantic way, even if it’s just in a longing way, I feel better about myself and more grounded. I’m now seeing more about Love and it’s autonomy within me.
I’m up north in Chandigarh now having met up here with Shanti to travel some with her around the north. Something peculiar has been happening for me in relation to her that I’ve been very curious about. The more time we spend together, the more clear it becomes that energetically we may not be a good match. She seems to battle more with the world, where it feels that I am more on a path of tring to cultivate more and more acceptance of everything exactly as it is. Those are gross characatures, but it does feel that way. The curious thing that I want to explore here is how in many moments I can feel the “I Love You Ness” of relationship with her. It comes up very clearly and simply in moments during the day. The words, “I love you” or “I really love her” arise within me, all while (and sometimes at the exact moments) the reality of our incompatibility continues to present itself. How can these contradictory forces exist at the same time? That’s really the explorationoftruth I want to do here.
Just yesterday we were at the Rock Garden in Chandigarh (which is an amazing sculpture garden – well worth the trip here itself) and at one point in particular, as she was taking some photographs with my camera, this voice of Love arose within me towards her. I sat there for several minutes and explored with awareness and curiousity the juxtaposition of this feeling of Love and our perceived incompatibility. As I studied it, it became clear to me that Love has an entirely separate voice of it’s own. Entirely separate. I don’t know if I ever truly realized that in my life before. “I love you” is in many ways disconnected from life, from practicalities. People in India have known that for ages which explains in part their predilection toward arranged marriages. So which of these is one to pay attention to? To me, at this unfolding point in my life, there is no other path but the path of Love, yet it must also be done with eyes open. Shanti is incredibly sweet too.
What seems to be emerging in clarity for me is the depth of the force in me that wants to love, and that simply does love. Phrased perhaps a better way, It’s becoming more clear how the force of Love in me wants to express itself, wants to become manifest. It just comes out so easily lately, especially so since I’ve been here in India. I look forward to the day when someone walks in to my life who has the capacity to meet me in this place. Perhaps she’s here already, but until that day arrives or it’s becomes clear here, I’ll just keep falling in love as already I have again today. I’ll keep paying attention to all of this too as Love having a life and force of its own within me feels great, but I need to keep watching how it connects with my own inner need and how it disconnects with practical reality, and how to balance all of that, should balance really be that which is called for.
I Love You!