Do I Stay or Do I Go

Deep exploration this morning as to whether to return to the states or to continue on. Am really loving being in Tiru here as I’ve been making many friends and there are yoga classes, many satsangs, musical gatherings, and shared meals. Feels good to my soul to be here……. and yet the states calls. I have a deeply important retreat I’m scheduled to (and would really like to) attend on Feb 13-23. Hate to miss it as it feels not just supportive but important and deepening.

Yet here I am… in India of all places, with my room having a great view of the very near and magical Arunachala Mountain, sacred and powerful place of worship/devotion for at least 4,000 years, and perhaps eons longer.

So as I sat with the decision (of staying or returning) in my room this morning, something started to become clear, and that is the draw that pulls me back to the familiar, the comfortable, the known. As I sensed into my body, it felt like a boot was on my sternum holding me back. That’s powerful, so I’m paying attention for sure. I decided to go through the day today as if I am going to stay and see how that feels. I went out and quickly ran into a lovely russian woman friend here and we had lunch. I’m realizing how much my horizons are expanding here. Already I’ve met and become friends with people from Israel, France, Germany, England, and Russia, all of whom I hope to spend time with again someday. Like I mentioned the other day, as much as I love Fort Bragg, CA where I live, I haven’t really found it’s wellspring of social vibrancy yet. Good friends for sure, and a nice spiritual community as well, and the oh so glorious and beautiful ocean (whose call to me right now is a part of my equation). Here in Tiru, in just a few days, I’ve already been to dinners with groups of people, a Kirtan singing gathering, a day long dance class which was amazing, walked around the mountain with a group of friends, and am invited to a singing gathering again this evening, all this aside from the Mooji satsangs in the mornings.

So do I go back? The deck feels a little stacked against it at the moment, but I’ve also already commited to renting my home out to vacation renters this summer as well so I won’t have much home time then either if at all. And I feel like I want some time there. Just to be and to integrate…. and the holding space of the retreat would be amazing to go back to as well.

I’m really not in a travel mood right now though, Different people I meet are heading towards Hampi or Goa or Kodai Kanal or Kathmandu, and I really have no interest in doing anything of the sort. If anything, I’m into staying put.

Since this blog is called “explorations of truth” I will add to complete the picture that there are many beautiful women travelers here as well with wide and interesting world outlooks and of course spiritual bents to go with their sweet smiles and flowing cotton. I’m not necessarily here to meet someone, but one of the important things in my life is to allow the magic of a partnership to arise in my life and I don’t think that’s going to happen in Fort Bragg unfortunately, although it’s certainly not impossible. A line from an old Kenny Loggins song has been buzzing in my mind this morning, “Love the girl that holds the world in a paper cup/drink it up, love her and she’ll bring you luck/and if you find that she helps your mind, better take her home/don’t live alone, try to earn what lovers own.” What a sweetly poetic concept that is, ‘ to hold the world in a paper cup.’ How wonderful to hold the world that lightly, that delicately, yet hold it to enjoy, to quench one’s thirst for love and life and experience and all that this magical life can bring.

Speaking of music, I really miss my music – singing and playing guitar and piano ever day. The singing here is fun but it’s what they call Bhajans, which are basically hindu devotional songs. Not knocking it at all as it’s wonderful, but I miss my guitar and making music. It’s such a part of my soul’s expression that I feel a little diminished, a little ‘less than’ without daily music that is in sync with my soul. I bought a small drum the other day (another story) and sat on the roof of my hotel at sunset facing the reddening Arunachala, playing it and singing. Felt good, but I’m not nearly as fluent with the drum as I am with the guitar or piano.

As you can see, questions are up, and we shall see what unfolds. Whatever it is, it will assuredly be a thoughtful and heartful decision. Certainly blessed to have multiple positive choices to make.