I’m thinking it has to do with Hookie still and her death. The day that I buried her, my nephew and his girlfriend came for a visit, and until a couple of days ago, I was around people fairly continuously. Now that I’m alone again, I think the grief of losing my little girl is upon me again. I had thought that I had gone through sufficient grieving leading up to her death and up to and through her burial, but after that, there hasn’t been much grieving. I had a little cry at her grave yesterday, but it feels like there is more that is still living inside me.
It’s amazing how precious she is to my heart. I think what she really does for me (tears already) is that she enabled me to touch the sweetest most loving tender parts of my own heart, and it is those sweet loving tender parts that feel very sad and alone.
Just writing that helped a little.
Things I really want to do right now:
- kitty prayers (which we’d say when i’d hold her prior to her eating her meals – “…and god bless all the little mousies, and the kitties everywhere, and may they always have enough to eat, and someone to pet them….)
- hear her purr
- go outside with her and eat breakfast
- wake her up and kiss her cute little face
- dance with her
- comb her
- face washings (where she’d lick my fingers and I’d wipe her face)
- birdie on a string game
- put my cheek to her chest while she’s lying down and feel her breathing movements
- take her across the street for another picnic
- beat her bottom
- sing her the Princess Belly Belly song (Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly, I Am The Princess Belly Belly Belly Belly….)
- Just call her name out so she’ll meow back
- Lay down and read a book with her on my chest
It’s Sunday today, so I think I’ll take it easy, listen to a little Gospel music, get some flowers for her grave, and maybe go to a meditation/dharma talk this afternoon.
Thanks for listening, I think I just needed to talk about it a little.