More going on here. Still now sure how clear that last post was. It seems to make sense to me, but it also feels a little scattered, which I guess mirrors how I feel inside. My friend Eric commented on my last post and mentioned Frodo having gotten “a ‘magical light’ that was given to him by what I consider to be a mother figure and a sword given to him by a father figure.” The issue for me really is that I didn’t get that sword from a father figure. My dad is/was never one to be able to handle conflict well, and certainly not one to hand a figurative sword to his child encouraging to push and fight back, which is really critical to a child’s development. Thus I too avoid conflict, find it hard to push back, and in terms of what I’ve been going through, don’t feel like I have a strong sense of an internalized father’s support. I’ll push, but I won’t feel confident in that, so I’ll then retreat back into a more comforting place, and I act that out, over and over again in my life. It’s great to be seeing it more clearly, which as I type this does make it somewhat easier.
So, on a level underneath that Support issue for me seems to be something about Trust, or a lack of trust. It’s a strange thing to write because I’ve always been someone to trust people fairly easily. I remember having strong reactions to an ex-girlfriend who at the time had very strong feelings of distrust towards other women that I knew. I really identified myself as someone who naturally trusts and at the time felt that as something in her that I found very difficult to be around.
I think that belief that I am naturally trusting is false in a profound way, because at a deeper level I don’t trust, I don’t trust that support is going to be there, that it will not be OK for me to push back appropriately. I got messages from Dad, mom and brother, all different, but all saying don’t push back – Dad would pull back and reject, brother would fight back physically, and mom needed me to be the sweet one, not the one who pushed back. So where was it safe for me to push back, to stand strong in my own shoes, without fear of reprisal/rejection? Where? When I get curious and explore these feelings, the shakiness is very profound.
I’ve had a couple of calls with my teacher from my retreat group over the past couple of days which has really helped. The depth of support was something I could hardly imagine being possible. Definitely a healing happening.
I feel the urge to take care of you all right now, which I’ll do and then try to explore that urge afterwards. The ‘taking care of’ would be to try to explain that this internal work is very important to me and something I actually welcome. It’s incredibly difficult at times, especially times like this, but somewhere in me there is a very deep essential faith in what is happening, and that the resolution of this issue, which would mean continuing to stay with it as it arises and be curious about it, will lead to a much lighter, happier, trusting experience of this life. Not that it hasn’t been light and happy much of the time, but there is a physiological experience of feeling lighter which I think can only come from lightening up this internal burden/trap. There I said that in a way to help you the reader feel better about all this.
And to explore the urge to take care of you, I think I don’t like having concerned energy around me. It’s my job (this is an old internal voice) to hold it all together and figure it all out. I think I don’t really trust that that support is going to be there in a true way, as that is not what I learned all too young in my life. Good to see. It’s been helpful to see this rejection of support hand that I like to play, and now that I’m seeing that, it’s felt great every time that I’ve asked for support and each time it’s been offered. Maybe I’m seeing that old pattern enough times that it’s changing. Can I trust that? Not yet. But I can have Faith.
Again, your reading this is actually feels as support, so thank you.