Support

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I went off on a retreat for nine days and I’ve been nursing a bad back for another 7 so I haven’t really had much time at the computer, but I have had time to think and be, and I’m finding thinking much easier than being. Being laid up (especially after a retreat which get’s stuff going) really puts your a lot right up in one’s face, and I find I’ve been doing what I can to avoid just being, watching lot’s of movies, occasionally reading, watching TV…… I even bought a SuDoKu book to do puzzles – now that’s desperation!

While on my retreat, I was really struggling at one point, feeling the lack of support available to help me with what I was going through. What they threw at us in the retreat was a lot of talks and exercises helping us to see all the ego activity that happens in our minds and even more importantly how strongly we (I) identify with it. In other words, how we grasp to something that is inherently false (that we are and believe ourselves to be the activity in our mind). Letting go of that is definitely a goal for the remainder of this lifetime, but in the middle of any moment, confronting that can feel like living in the middle of a horror show. What is happening, and what is causing my back to grip way too tightly, is that something deep within me doesn’t want to let go, and trust the letting go of that identification.

So much of all this comes down to support, because deep down, I don’t feel that internal sense of true support which should sustain me. As a result, I seek support from external sources, yet also don’t trust that they will remain there or are truly available for me. I’ve also coped in my life by becoming very capable and competent in this world. I guess the logic is that the more self-sufficient I can be in a real-world practical sense, the less I’ll need to rely on others, or (and this is more subtle but more powerful too) the less I’ll have to feel the lack of my own internal sense of support. Yuck. Just typing that makes me feel a little ill. I find this deep inner work fascinating and very important in my life, but sometimes, like this time, it can be very difficult and debilitating (notice my back).

I don’t know if you all will really be able to follow this well, since it’s not very easy for me to even sit with this stuff long enough to really get it myself, so my description may likely be lacking somewhat in clarity.

It feels like a journey down a long black cave. Actually (here this might help) picture Lord of the Rings where Frodo & Co. go through a very dark mountain tunnel while on their quest to Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor. While in that tunnel they meet Shelob the giant spider. This trip I’m on feels kind of like that. I know there’s light where I come from and where I’m going, so I’m actually trusting, but I also feel like I’m bumping right up against some really deep fear.

I guess to summarize, perhaps for myself as much as for you, I feel like I’m facing the spider without a sense of support in the world, both inner and outer. The tricky thing is that the spider I’m facing is that lack of support itself. Interesting, if I carry that parallel further, in the film, Shelob stings and paralyzes Frodo, and Sam rescues him by fighting off the spider. Could outside support really be that which is needed here. I haven’t wanted to ask much for it, because it feels like it’s an internal battle I must wage on my own, since it’s a lack of internal support which feels like it is the heart of the issue. Hmm?

It’s nice to have this place to explore this. Thanks for reading, as your reading itself is a form of support.