I’ve noticed lately that it can be difficult to bring up difficult topics with other people for discussion. This often happens in relationship for me and sometimes in business situations as well. I write about it here, because in many ways it feels directly related to truth. If the truth is not spoken, even if you are not lying, then there still seems to be a shortfall of truth happening.
I brought the topic up with a teacher of mine yesterday and we worked through the topic in a very deep way. As I talked about it and sensed into my feelings I noticed a distinct sense of aloneness that I was fearing. Apparently there is something around fearing aloneness which prevents me from being fully forthright. It’s a very young feeling for as I stayed with it, I noticed that a more adult part of me was much more comfortable in sitting with the otherwise highly uncomfortable feeling of being alone. So for the past 16 hours or so I’ve been feeling the truth of that aloneness. I’ve begun to believe that we are all truly alone – not that we don’t have or make deeply important and lasting relationships, but that we really are alone in a fundamental way. Perhaps we are all connected to each other through our aloneness which we all share as a common trait of being human.
Over my life thusfar, I’ve come to see myself as more of an individualist – one who is fine with being alone – so it seems paradoxical that I might find aloneness so anathema. But as I look at it, it actually makes sense: I’ve adopted that individualist stance so that I won’t have to risk feeling that empty hole of aloneness. It’s kind of like someone becoming a black belt martial artist to cover up a hidden fear of being abused or anihilated. The higher their level of proficiency, the less they have to feel the distasteful feelings residing under the surface.
So since yesterday, I’ve been allowing myself to feel that aloneness and when I stay with it, it feels much more like a normal part of me, one not to be discarded or avoided, but actually more in line with what is actually true.
I wrote this poem yesterday which may help to clarify…
on this amniotic sea
drifting silently through a waveless dusk.
two supportive nurturing arms arise beneath me,
holding and guiding me in
the individualist shore
marvels at my buoyant composure.
this heretofore tempestuous ocean of anihilation
my enrobing home
my body now a raft
to which others drift
where we marvel together at how
astonishingly and perfectly alone we truly are.