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Security, Artificial Intelligence, and the Everpresent Mom — 1 Comment

  1. I have a lot of thoughts and comments on this post.First, when I was at Rachel’s bedside when she was in the hospital, the nurse was trying to insert a catheter with the assistance of another nurse. She stopped and said, “Shoot, I need a flashlight, let me go get one.” And that would have meant taking off her gloves, stopping the process she had started and going to find a flashlight. And I reached in to my man purse and pulled out a flashlight and said, “Here you go.” And that let her keep on going and get it over with, saving Rachel some additional discomfort.She asked why I had a flashlight on me. I didn’t really answer her question. But I told her that I also had a multi-tool, a knife, a first aid kit, a rescue breathing mask, Advil, aspirin, a couple of granola bars, water, a yo-yo, a book, and my journal. At the time, I thought, well, it’s the Boy Scout motto – be prepared. But this post made me realize it’s more than that. It’s a big scary world out there, and I try to do everything I can to protect myself and the ones I love from all of the awful things that can happen.Of course, Rachel’s accident just goes to show that no matter how careful you are, you can’t always protect the one’s you love from harm.This is also part of why I am late all of the time. I tease you a little about it, too. I think we both suffer from mild to moderate agoraphobia. That’s why when we leave the house we double and triple check that doors are locked, go back to grab a sweater, go make sure the oven is actually off and such. Also, we are not normal. Most people leave the house every day and go to work. Most people spend half of every day away from home. But I can go several days without leaving the house sometimes. And when I venture out, it’s usually not very far. And if it is far, there’s a strong compelling reason to do so – a visit with you, moving day for Lauren and Paul, hospital visits for Rachel and Jake. But with the internet to order books, and with a grocery store just outside the gates, I could literally live my whole life in a 1 mile radius, inside the safety of my house with my dogs and private security to protect me.And I’d still listen to the scanner whenever I heard sirens.The weird thing is that I also love the time I’ve spent traveling- for SSG, for CommTech, and even for Adapt. Except I hated that Trinidad and Tobago trip. I thought it was because it was the farthest I’ve ever been from home, and that’s part of it, I’m sure. But I think it also had to do with being alone there.As for your Mom, I think that in some way, you are sort of carrying her around with you like a talisman of some sort. Something that you imbue with magical power to protect you, even though you don’t go in for all of that nonsense really. And I think that’s pretty normal. Mom was the person who told you first and most frequently that everything was going to be OK. And we want to believe that, so it is really hard to let go of Mom.You know what’s going on with me and my parents, and there were still times during this whole accident ordeal that I “just wanted my Mommy.” But that wasn’t an option. So I sucked it up and dealt with it all on my own. I also reached out to Rachel’s Mom a bit. I find myself finding surrogate parents in my life when I need that sort of guidance. And don’t wig out about the ashes – I understand that my Dad kept his Mom’s ashes for a very long time, and may still have some. I’m told that one Christmas, he took them for a drive to look at luminarios like he used to do when she was alive.I also think she lives on – maybe not as a spiritual presence, although she might. But I can’t look at that drum of yours and not think back to singing with her in your loft, and her smile and her kindness and encouragement. And that memory brings me joy. And that joy can affect my mood and state of mind, you know? And a lot of the best parts of her are ingrained in you. And, of course, some of her is preserved on vinyl. Most people aren’t that lucky.I’m not sure if I have anything like a point in this comment – it’s just a bunch of comments.And I wish I was more adventurous too. I’ve been working at it and I think I’ve been getting better at it. That weekend when we boarded the dogs and came out to the Coast was a step in the right direction for me. And I am confident that when Rachel is up to it, we will get out there again.

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