Beginning the Goodbye…

Getting close to returning to the US. It’s quite hard to do actually. The easiest part is the thought of seeing my friends, and family (both adopted and by birth) again. I really miss them and treasure them. I’m not too excited about getting caught up in the collective economic/societal angst that I’m sure is gong on there. Haven’t really seen the news here in probably 6 weeks, maybe longer and that is really a treat.

Yesterday, while taking a long bus ride from Chamba back to Dharamsala, I began to feel the grief of my leaving here. The bus ride was the beginning of the return which will encompass about 19 hours of buses, as well as nearly 24 hours of plane flights. Beginning the return really made me feel the loss of leaving. It really feels like grief, in a way like leaving your baby behind as you move on. The loss is for the land, the beauty, the people I’ve met, the love I’ve shared, the ease that I’ve felt, the experiences I’ve had, the life I’ve lived. Grief is all a part of life and I try my best to not shy from it as it actually is full of a depth and richness which I truly cherish in life. It’s not too dissimilar to joy and celebration in a way, as there is an intensity to the feeling. Surprisingly, there is a joyfulness to this grief as well as there is pleasure at drinking what feels like a distillation of life, consuming life in a more raw and pure form.

Been working on separating from Shanti as well and trying to remain conscious and communicative throughout the process. I’m heading back to Thailand and then the US and she back to Europe. Funny how love works – the heart, my heart, just chooses to love these days (although it certainly slips as well), and Shanti has appeared to test the elasticity of that new expansion. In a way, my heart is casting a large web, and feels willing to embrace whatever flies in. There’s more to it than that of course, and there is something very personal about it in this situation, but I definitely feel an openness to the expression of love that feels very new for me, and I must report that it is a wonderful way of being. The easiest thing to do here would be to create some sort of conflict between us so that anger and frustration could ease the pain that would inevitably comes from parting, but I am (and I hope we are) trying to not go down that path.

I wrote a poem this morning, which reflects Love’s desire to love no matter the circumstance:

A heart
simply, joyously, embracingly.

The miracle is that
a heart open
also loves
errantly, misdirectedly, wantonly.

This is the love that I want, that Love wants.
In spite of,
contrary to wisdom,
leaving rose petals in the tarry wake behind.

So I haven’t booked the flight yet, but am working on it today. Should be getting back to the states somewhere around the 17th/18th of April if all works out. First heading to Thailand to see my father and Sandra, to decompress a little, and share a little excellent scotch, some stories, and life. It will be wonderful to see them again and spend time in one home before moving on to my other one back in California.

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