I want a baby.

I spent the past 5 days or so with my buddy Evan in Santa Fe where he moved with his girlfriend Vivian and their 19 month old girl Evie. While there, I got to play Mr. Mom with Evan and it was wonderful. You know, I love my cat Hookie, but there’s really nothing like the love that can come up for a child. Even this child that was not mine opened my heart in a very sweet way. I’ve managed to keep myself independent enough to steer clear of marriage and parenthood, but for some time now, I’ve been trusting the feelings that have been coming up in me, feelings that yearn for manifestation (a word I think I write often in this forum), to be and express all that I am and can be in this lifetime. Part of that manifestation I believe has to do with having children and being a father. It just seems to me, and this recent trip to Santa Fe appears to support it, that my heart will never fully express itself and experience its depth without having children. There is a very playful side in my soul, in my spirit, which expresses very simply and easily with children. The love also wells up so simply and purely that it’s hard to dismiss. Fully experiencing and expressing the love within us seems to me to be the truth/path of our full manifestation, and I don’t want to get in the way of that in my life any longer.

So I guess I’ll go buy one on the black market. I could probably go to Bolivia and trade my flat screen for a nice little boy. Or two girls.

OK, so maybe I won’t do that, but the question does come up as to adopting versus having a biological child, versus partnering with a woman who already has a child. If as I write here, that the real truth has to do with the love that is yearning to be expressed, it probably shouldn’t matter, but there is a biological pull to father my own kin. I guess that’s more of a biological manifestation than a spiritual manifestation, but there is truth in biology as well, it’s just a different kind, I suppose. So I’m not sure entirely on this point. Now that I’m 45, there’s something nice about the thought of starting with a child that already has a few years under its growing feet, but there is also something about the love and the bond and the sweetness that comes with relating to a newborn/infant/toddler. The love must always exist, but there is something unique about the intimacy of the love with a newborn. So, I’m not sure about this yet. It seems that a biological child would be my choice, but there isn’t a ton of time to keep waiting for that to happen.

I’ve been an uncle many times over already, and am even a great uncle to 4 boys, two of whom are coming to visit me this summer. I really love being an uncle, as it gives me a chance to experience being a parent/guide without the responsibility. Kids listen to uncles more easily I think than they do with parents, and uncles can be more playful perhaps than parents can, although I’m not completely sure about that. With Evan and Vivian asking me to be godparent to Evie, I’m now a godfather for the third time. The first was with Gary and Sara having me be godfather to Austin. The second time was with my friend Michele asking me to be godfather to her daughter Djuna. In that case, I believe it was more of a spiritual guide that she saw in me for her daughter. This time, Evan and Viv actually want me to be the person to raise Evie should something happen to them. I would never ever wish harm to them, but I would very much welcome this little girl into my life if the need ever arose. She’s quite a dear and has already squirmed her way into my heart quite easily.

So there, I said it. I want to support my heart in fully manifesting in this world, and I’d like to share that heart with a dear little being. I’d like to have a child. (It’s scary to put that out in the world. I feel nervous about publishing this, but it’s the truth, at least for sure in this moment, and I don’t want to shy away from that.) This truth thing can be scary. Which is true as well.

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